"Parrot in the Street" Interview: What's Up With the New York Pigeon-Feeding Ban?

We caught up with Quake, one of Brooklyn's most outspoken wild parrots, to ask him how Councilman Simcha Felder’s controversial proposal to ban pigeon feeding in New York City was playing in the wild Quaker Parrot community. Surprisingly, it seems that many of Brooklyn's wild Quaker Parrots support it.

BrooklynParrots.com: Why do you support Councilman Felder's pigeon feeding ban?

Quake: Look, I don't want to misrepresent the facts here. This is a divisive issue and we parrots don't all support it. In fact I'd say that it's really only about 60-40 in support. But we put it to a vote, the "acks" had it, so we're going to endorse it.

BrooklynParrots.com: I still don't understand why you parrots support the ban. I thought you guys were generally friendly with the pigeons.

Quake: We generally are. In fact we wouldn't even have gotten involved in the issue, but the pigeons asked us to support it. So the whole thing came from them.

BrooklynParrots.com: The pigeons support the ban? That makes absolutely no sense.

Quake: If you could jump out of your fat stupid human head for a few minutes you'd see that the pigeons have nothing to lose from this ban, and everything to gain.

BrooklynParrots.com: You don't have to insult me.

Quake. I apologize. I forgot how thin-skinned you people are. Maybe that's because I haven't bitten any of you in a while.

BrooklynParrots.com: Could we get back to the pigeon ban? Why do the pigeons think it's in their best interest?

Quake: Look, none of us birds sees this thing as a law that's really aimed at pigeons. It's actually aimed at the hawks. In fact, it's basically a raptor reduction policy that's being sold to the public as a pigeon feeding ban. So it's brilliant.

BrooklynParrots.com: I'm totally lost now.

Quake: Think about it. If any politician in New York came right out and said they wanted to cut the number of Red-Tail Hawks in New York in half, you'd have all the Pale Male people burning them in effigy. Even the Audubon Society would be tearing your head off. But if you instead go after the hawk's food supply, which is mostly pigeons, you've got everybody praising you as a visionary.

BrooklynParrots.com: So you let me get this straight. If you ban feeding pigeons, you'll reduce the number of pigeons, which will reduce the number of hawks, which will help you parrots, because the hawks are your main enemies.

Quake: You know, for a human, you're pretty sharp.

BrooklynParrots.com: That still doesn't explain why the pigeons are in favor of reducing their own population.

Quake: Short term it doesn't make sense. Long term it does. New York pigeons are a lot smarter than you think. They think at least eight generations ahead. You humans should think as long-term as they do. But now I'm coming close to insulting you again.

BrooklynParrots.com: I'm still confused.

Quake: Why does that not surprise me?

BrooklynParrots.com: I mean, with zero pigeons on the scene aren't the hawks going to come after you more frequently?

Quake: No question.

BrooklynParrots.com: You're not worried?

Quake: We have full confidence in the Sentinel Alert System to protect us.

BrooklynParrots.com: How do the squirrels feel about this? Aren't the hawks going to go after them once the pigeons are gone?

Quake: The squirrels are definitely going to take a hit from this one. They're going to have to lie low for a couple of years, until the hawks leave the area. We feel bad for them but there's not a lot we can do. Besides, they're mammals: looking after them is your department, not ours.

BrooklynParrots.com: How about the hawks? What do they think?

Quake: We don't know and we don't care. We just want them out of here. Brooklyn is crawling with hawks. It's time for a change, and the pigeon-feeding ban is the first step in what we hope will be a major raptor reduction in the city.

BrooklynParrots.com: Well, thanks for your time today. You certainly have a unique perspective on this issue.

Quake: "Starve a Pigeon, Starve a Hawk:" that's the flock's new slogan. We're getting that crazy parrot guy in Brooklyn to make bumper stickers. They should sell in the millions.

BrooklynParrots.com: Thanks, again, Quake.

Quake: No problem.